Sayid and Ben, sitting in a tree, K-I-L-L-I-N-G!

Happy Valentine’s Day to all the Losties out there! For those of you who spent Valentine’s Day checking out the “Tail Section” of your significant other and didn’t get a chance to catch the latest episode yet, skip this post. Actually, everyone in general should skip this post…

Anyways it seems we have a new power couple on the island. errr off the island. It seems Sayid and Ben have hooked up after a drunken night of cosmopolitans and jello shots and are now working together to rid the world of Uggs, animal print shirts, and other fashion faux pas. Let’s review how these two started bumping uglies:

On the island Sayid is praying for a manicure and some hair spray. Oh wait, he is saying a prayer for Naomi. He goes over to her dead body to close her eyes and take her wallet, when he notices she is wearing a silver bracelet. “That would go great with my leather chaps,” he thinks to himself and he takes the bracelet too. He reads the inscription on the inside of the bracelet: “N, I’ll always be with you. R.G.” Sayid thinks to himself “I’ll always be with you, but I’m too cheap to get our full names engraved.”

And whoosh. we are on a golf course. Sayid, looking very much like Tiger Woods (if Tiger Woods was an Iraqi torturer), is enjoying a round of golf. An Italian man rides up in a golf cart strikes of a conversation with Sayid:

Italian guy: Hello my friend. Where are you from?

Sayid: I am from Iraq.

Italian guy: Iraq? Oh you mean New Texas….

Sayid: What do you do for a living?

Italian guy: I invented Crocs…

BLAM! BLAM! Sayid whips out a pistol and shoots the italian man in the chest! As he walks away he mumbles “No one should wear plastic shoes.”

Cut to Berlin. Sayid is in a Coffee Shop trying to read a map. He sits down at a table with a very boxy German woman, whom he promptly mistakes for a boy.

German Woman: Are you Lost™?

Sayid: Yes. I am looking for the Berlin Museum of Torture.

German Woman: If you go out to dinner with me, I will show you where it is.

Sayid: Very well. I am very eager to try some of your German sausage. I hear it is very good.

German Woman: What are you doing in Berlin?

Sayid: Working. I am a head hunter. I am here hunting for head.

Sayid leaves the coffee shop. “What a nice young man,” he thinks to himself. He makes a call on his cell phone. “I’ve made contact. By this time tomorrow I will be face deep in Wiener Schnitzel.” He promptly throws out his single use cell phone before it self destructs.

Meanwhile back on the island, past Sayid is searching the Barracks for Locke and his crew. He finds Hurley bound and gagged in a closet. “Hurley, I didn’t know you were into that. But we’ll have to talk later. I’m looking for Locke.” Hurley is afraid Sayid is going to wrap his legs around his head and twist.

Sayid continues his search in Ben’s house where he discovers a secret room hidden behind a bookcase. He finds a drawer full of fake passports and foreign currency. It seems Ben is quite the world traveler. After sniffing Ben’s boxers, Sayid leaves the room only to walk into Locke’s cocked pistol.

Back at the chopper… crackpot Faraday is doing some sort of experiment involving LAUNCHING A ROCKET WITHIN 5 FEET OF THE HELICOPTER. Is it just me or could he have positioned the beacon a little further away from their only way off the island… Anyways the rocket arrives, but its a little late. The clock in the rocket is 31 minutes off of Faraday’s clock. “Damn it! This is going to F*** up my Tivo! And American Idol is on tonight!”

Whoosh to future Berlin. Sayid is with his German friend when her beeper goes off. Sayid is curious that anybody still uses a beeper. While contemplating this, the German woman whips out a gun and shoots Sayid in the shoulder. “I don’t really work for an economist. I work for a scientologist!” Sayid realizes that he is screwed… The German goes off to set up her Thetan Tester. Sayid breaks a mirror, ensuring him seven years of bad luck and then takes out his own gun and shoots the German. “Give Xenu my regards,” he says to her, and then he proceeds to steal her plasma tv.

(Still the future) Sayid limps into a veterinary office. Ben is there! He scolds Sayid for being a softie and letting the German get the jump on him. “I thought he was a schoolboy,” Sayid maintains. Ben removes the bullet from Sayid’s shoulder and puts on a Hello Kitty! bandaid. Ben says that he has another name on the list for Sayid. Sayid says he is tired of doing Santa’s dirty work. “Let him check his own list twice! I don’t care if they’ve been naughty or nice.” Ben assures Sayid that the next target must be eliminated, for the good of all mankind. He gives Sayid a piece of paper with a name written on it: Paris Hilton

Next week on Lost: Sayid shows Paris Hilton what night vision is really for. Assassinations.