So in this episode Desmond and Sayid are on the chopper on their way to the freighter, when Desmond starts flipping out! He’s zooming back and forth in time from 2004 to sometime in the 1996.  He’s in the army! He’s on the chopper! He’s in a phone booth! He’s in sickbay! Back and forth and back and forth.

Desmond is able to stay in 2004 long enough to have a phone conversation with Faraday on the island. Dude seems to know a thing or two about time travel. I bet he’s a big Quantum Leap fan.  He tells Desmond that he has to go back to the past and find the Faraday from 1996 and convince him that he’s from the future. Faraday tells Desmond to tell Doc Brown that he needs 1.21 jiggawatts of energy to get the flux capicitor to work. Desmond thinks to himself “what the hell is a jiggawatt?” If that fails he’s supposed to mention “Eloise”.

Desmond shoots back to the past. He’s at Oxford to find the Past Faraday, who by the way is even loonier and crazy looking than present Faraday. Desmond mentions the jigawatts but Faraday is not convinced. Then he brings up Eloise which turns out to be Faraday’s drag queen name. He performs a cabaret show Friday nights at the Blue Iguana. Convinced that only a Scottish man from the future could ever know his secret, past Faraday invites Desmond to his secret lab.

Faraday asks Desmond if he’s interested in experimenting. Desmond is a bit scared until Faraday brings out a lab rat. “This is my rat, Splinter.” Faraday proceeds to bombard the rat with high levels of radiation. He puts the rat into a maze, which the rat is able to navigate successfully. The rat then does a jump kick and breaks out of the maze, escaping into a nearby sewer grate.

Desmond: “Why is there a sewer grate in your lab?”

Faraday: “Oh I dump my radioactive waste in there from time to time. And sometimes baby turtles.”

Desmond zips back and forth some more, only now he’s bleeding from the nose. Sayid is concerned that Desmond has gotten into Charlie’s Virgin Mary stash.  Back in the past Faraday tells Desmond that his life is in danger. “You have to go to the Enchantment Under the Sea Dance and make your parents fall in love! Otherwise you will start to disappear!!” OK, so he really tells Desmond that he has to make contact with Penny in the future in order to anchor himself in the future. Which is the present. His future our present. God I hate time travel…

Desmond rushes off to find Penny when he passes out in the middle of a stairwell. A couple of teenagers lift his wallet and draw a mustache on him with a sharpie. Desmond has jumped back to the freighter in 2004. He and Sayid are in the communications room which was trashed during some drunken sailor shenanigans. Luckily Sayid is able to MacGuyver the radio back into working order using a toothpick, a chewed piece of gum, a flame thrower, and a potato. But what’s Penny’s phone number??

Back in the past Desmond has tracked Charles Widmore down at an auction house, where he has purchased the ship’s journal of the Black Rock!! Apparently, the manifest of a slaving ship is a hot ticket item because everyone seems to want it and it ends up selling for a bundle. Desmond asks to talk to Widmore and is lead him into the mensroom. They have an interesting conversation in mid-stream while standing next to each other at the urinals.

Desmond: “Why are you touching my leg?”

Widmore: “I have a wide stance!”

Desmond is able to get Penny’s current address from Widmore after trading him the phone number of a Senator from Idaho. He rushes off to meet her. Unfortunately Penny is NOT happy to see him:

Penny: “How the hell do you explain this rash?!”

Desmond gives her some antibiotics and then begs and pleads for with her to just give him her phone number. He tells her “If you ever loved me at all, promise me you’ll keep this phone number. I’ll call on you Dec. 24, 2004.”

Back….to the Future! Desmond has the digits now so he can tell Sayid what number to dial on his MacGuyver phone. “The potato powering the phone only has enough energy for a short call.” Desmond gets through to Penny and they have a sweet conversation. They share all sorts of I love you’s and even I get a little teary eyed. Unfortunately Desmond doesn’t deem it necessary to ask her anything important like “WTF is up with this island?” and “Are you sending people to get us off of it?” and “Did they ever find those WMD’s in Iraq?” and the potato phone dies before the viewers get any juicy new info. Sayid mutters “Damn. I wanted to order Dominos…”

Back on the beach, Faraday is reading a Playboy, for the articles of course. In it he finds a page that says: “If anything goes wrong, Desmond Hume will be my constant. <3 XOXOXOXO <3″ It is written in his handwriting in pink gel ink and it smells like strawberries.

Anyway, back to this weeks release. Just like in that Jacob forsaken “hatch” from earlier on, I ended up being held prisoner, in my own home no less, by Mr John Locke. He really is so “Lost” at this point. Anyway, you get to see a time, reminiscent of Season 1 (did you get fooled into thinking it was a flashback?), where I manipulate Locke, Locke gets mad, Locke throws food. Oh ya, he also suggests reading a book more than once which is ridiculous. I *never* have to read a book more than once… if I do, it is out of sheer insanity.
I’m insane.

Moving on…

1. Jack
2. Kate
3. Hurley
4. Sayid
5. Aaron
6. ???
7. Polar Bears
8. Smokey

“CarrRrl!”
-Ben

Anyways it seems we have a new power couple on the island. errr off the island. It seems Sayid and Ben have hooked up after a drunken night of cosmopolitans and jello shots and are now working together to rid the world of Uggs, animal print shirts, and other fashion faux pas. Let’s review how these two started bumping uglies:

On the island Sayid is praying for a manicure and some hair spray. Oh wait, he is saying a prayer for Naomi. He goes over to her dead body to close her eyes and take her wallet, when he notices she is wearing a silver bracelet. “That would go great with my leather chaps,” he thinks to himself and he takes the bracelet too. He reads the inscription on the inside of the bracelet: “N, I’ll always be with you. R.G.” Sayid thinks to himself “I’ll always be with you, but I’m too cheap to get our full names engraved.”

And whoosh. we are on a golf course. Sayid, looking very much like Tiger Woods (if Tiger Woods was an Iraqi torturer), is enjoying a round of golf. An Italian man rides up in a golf cart strikes of a conversation with Sayid:

Italian guy: Hello my friend. Where are you from?

Sayid: I am from Iraq.

Italian guy: Iraq? Oh you mean New Texas….

Sayid: What do you do for a living?

Italian guy: I invented Crocs…

BLAM! BLAM! Sayid whips out a pistol and shoots the italian man in the chest! As he walks away he mumbles “No one should wear plastic shoes.”

Cut to Berlin. Sayid is in a Coffee Shop trying to read a map. He sits down at a table with a very boxy German woman, whom he promptly mistakes for a boy.

German Woman: Are you Lost™?

Sayid: Yes. I am looking for the Berlin Museum of Torture.

German Woman: If you go out to dinner with me, I will show you where it is.

Sayid: Very well. I am very eager to try some of your German sausage. I hear it is very good.

German Woman: What are you doing in Berlin?

Sayid: Working. I am a head hunter. I am here hunting for head.

Sayid leaves the coffee shop. “What a nice young man,” he thinks to himself. He makes a call on his cell phone. “I’ve made contact. By this time tomorrow I will be face deep in Wiener Schnitzel.” He promptly throws out his single use cell phone before it self destructs.

Meanwhile back on the island, past Sayid is searching the Barracks for Locke and his crew. He finds Hurley bound and gagged in a closet. “Hurley, I didn’t know you were into that. But we’ll have to talk later. I’m looking for Locke.” Hurley is afraid Sayid is going to wrap his legs around his head and twist.

Sayid continues his search in Ben’s house where he discovers a secret room hidden behind a bookcase. He finds a drawer full of fake passports and foreign currency. It seems Ben is quite the world traveler. After sniffing Ben’s boxers, Sayid leaves the room only to walk into Locke’s cocked pistol.

Back at the chopper… crackpot Faraday is doing some sort of experiment involving LAUNCHING A ROCKET WITHIN 5 FEET OF THE HELICOPTER. Is it just me or could he have positioned the beacon a little further away from their only way off the island… Anyways the rocket arrives, but its a little late. The clock in the rocket is 31 minutes off of Faraday’s clock. “Damn it! This is going to F*** up my Tivo! And American Idol is on tonight!”

Whoosh to future Berlin. Sayid is with his German friend when her beeper goes off. Sayid is curious that anybody still uses a beeper. While contemplating this, the German woman whips out a gun and shoots Sayid in the shoulder. “I don’t really work for an economist. I work for a scientologist!” Sayid realizes that he is screwed… The German goes off to set up her Thetan Tester. Sayid breaks a mirror, ensuring him seven years of bad luck and then takes out his own gun and shoots the German. “Give Xenu my regards,” he says to her, and then he proceeds to steal her plasma tv.

(Still the future) Sayid limps into a veterinary office. Ben is there! He scolds Sayid for being a softie and letting the German get the jump on him. “I thought he was a schoolboy,” Sayid maintains. Ben removes the bullet from Sayid’s shoulder and puts on a Hello Kitty! bandaid. Ben says that he has another name on the list for Sayid. Sayid says he is tired of doing Santa’s dirty work. “Let him check his own list twice! I don’t care if they’ve been naughty or nice.” Ben assures Sayid that the next target must be eliminated, for the good of all mankind. He gives Sayid a piece of paper with a name written on it: Paris Hilton

Next week on Lost: Sayid shows Paris Hilton what night vision is really for. Assassinations.

Get ready for the big reveal. I’m going to spill the beans about Mr. Mysterious bald creepy black guy (Who will be referred to as MBCBG from now on).

MBCBG is a high ranking official for the Dharma Initiative, the scandanavian hippy free love grass roots science commune turned evil corporate world destroyer. He is the Vice President of Polar Bear Relations.

He sends Naomi and a team of ragtag misfits to the island to kill/capture one Benjamin Linus. But why would he send a physicist, ghost whisperer, sassy british ginger person, and drunken pilot on a miltary extraction mission? Because “they each have an important purpose” on this mission. And that purpose is….. TO DIE. Miles, Faraday, Staples, and Frank the drunk all have been digging into the disappearance of Oceanic 815 and now they are a little too close to home for MCBBG’s comfort.

In Daniel Faraday’s flashback/forward/sideways he gets the news that Oceanic 815 has been found and everyone is dead. And he starts bawling. Ok so maybe he’s a grown up emo kid, but most likely he knew someone on that plane. And if that someone was really important to him I would think he would be motivated enough to do some independent digging to verify that he/she is really dead. I know if Hannah Montana went down in a plane I wouldn’t rest until I got the truth. So I think O Danny Boy got close to finding something when MBGCB recruited him for his little “rescue mission”.

Next we have Asian Miles, who talks to dead people. Actually Miles was all set to star in The Ghost Whisperer on CBS but he was replaced by Jennifer Love Hewitt for two gigantic, perky, perfectly proportioned reasons. Anyways, Miles talks to dead people. What a coincidence, we have a PLANE FULL of dead people. So he pics up something on his Ghostbusters Vaccuum cleaner and voila, he knows too much.

Charlotte has a polar bear fetish and is snooping around the desert with a French newspaper. She discovers the remains of one of the deserters from the Dharma Polar Bear army along with MBGCB’s favorite Hydra Station S&M collar. His leather daddy exploits with the two ladies in the Looking Glass were supposed to be a secret!! Reason enough to put her on the team. MCGBB thinks secretly “hopefully someone will steal a gun from a dumb kid and shoot her in the chest multiple times….”

Frank the Drunk Pilot/Mr. Friendly’s long lost brother called up the Oceanic 815 hotline with a little too much common sense for MGBBC’s liking. That probably set off some red flags. Well this mission needs a pilot, so it might as well be a drunken one. That just ups the chances that everyone goes down in a fiery, vodka soaked wreck.

So there you go. MGBBC wants Ben Linus dead and he wants his team dead. Paradropping them into the middle of the island is the perfect way to kill two birds with one show! Remember what he asks Hurley at the loony bin? “Are they still alive?” He was talking about his team! And he wanted to make sure that they were all dead. BECAUSE THE OCEANIC SIX WEREN’T RESCUED BY HIM. They were rescued by someone else….

Christian Shepard is ALIVE.

Yes… why do we see him on the island? Why was his body missing from his casket? Why was he sitting in Jacob’s chair? It’s because the island has reincarnated him to imbue into Christian Shepard’s dead body the will and spirit of the island, and boy is it pissed. Ever been woken up by a cold shower? Well multiply that by about 50 million. That is how pissed Christian Shepard is going to be, and it sure ain’t gonna be pretty.

I predict next episode we will see a Jack’s father, who everybody thinks is dead, alive and well, chumming it up with the Losties (and the Others?)

Tonight, on Confirmed Dead, we were introduced to a whole bunch of new characters.

First is our squirrelly friend, Daniel Faraday. He shares his last name with famous physicist Michael Faraday, who was famous for his research in magnetic fields and their effects on islands in the mid-Pacific ocean. Our friend Daniel, claims to also be a physicist. Coincidence?

Next is our spikey faced friend (from X-men), Miles, whose full name we find is Miles Strong.. or Strom… or Stron. Now… if it’s Strom, then what dead senator does that remind us of? Anybody? That’s right… Strom Thurmond — racist and immortal from the south. The south shall rise again? Strom Thurmond sure will, and I have a feeling Miles won’t be that easy to kill, either. Let’s also consider if his last name is actually Strong… Well, I sat here for the past 2 hours coming up with anagrams for his name, and this one seems too good to be true: Miles Strong == Lost In Germs.

Boo-yah! So, all of that bio hazard gear in the helicopter that Jack found? It’s because they are LOSTTTTTTT in GERMS… that is, after the people on the boat find Ben, and want to light a match.

So, that leaves us with Charlotte… Her middle name is Staples — Could she be the heiress to the Staples empire, whose U.S. branches number in the millions, just on the east coast. I wonder if perhaps they are looking to expand into the Pacific Ocean? The island, after all, is rich in natural resources, such as trees — which is great for making …. PAPER. and babies.

That leaves us with good ol’ Frank Lapidus. Now, we know he’s grizzled, and we know he sees cows, so maybe he’s a… polar bear?

Aside from that, our friend also has a nice anagram in his name… Frank Lapidus == Drunk as I Flap.

Yes! Our drunken helicopter pilot friend, flaps while he’s drunk! That is why the helicopter got struck by lightning, and that’s how he was able to land it… it’s not him flying the helicopter, but he becomes ONE with the helicopter, since HE is the one FLAPPING!

That’s all for this week. Email us with your favorite theories, and we will steal them and use them as our own!

Well, here is the clip that ran late in the broadcast of Eli Stone after the Lost Season 4 Premiere tonight.

The Oceanic announcement mentions the “Golden Pass” that allows you to “fly anywhere in the world, anytime you want, as many times as you want” …which sounds like it would be a nice contest to win.

This site will chronicle where this “adventure” takes us.
This site will be your Golden Pass to all that is LOST.